Vampire Family Feud
by GEM1588
Summary: The game show. Hosted by Ryan Seacrest. Complete
1. Chapter 1

**Wrote this on a whim during my lunch hour. Enjoy. Gemma**

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We open on dancing GSN logo

**Announcer**: You're watching the Game Show Network.

Cut to game show set, each family posed behind their podiums

**Announcer**: It's time for... "Vampire Family Feud"! Introducing the Salvatore Family: Damon, Stefan, Elena, Jeremy and Katherine

And today, they'll be playing against... The Cullen Family! Bella, Edward, Reneessmesmsem, Jake and Charlie

And here's your host... Ryan Seacrest!

Ryan walks in and takes center stage, continuously smiling since his teeth are coated in Vaseline.

"Hello, welcome to "Vampire Family Feud", I'm Ryan Seacrest, since I host everything else I figured I'd host this too!," the grinning celebrity said as he winked at the camera.

The audience cheers.

"I love you RYAN!" screams a fangirl.

"Thanks," Ryan smiles. "First up to the podium: Damon and Bella."

"Come on over," Ryan speaks enthusiastically as both contestants begin making their way to the podium.

Damon looks to his family and raises his arms. They cheer loudly until they are drowned out by a loud screech. Bella's microphone fell off as she walked to the podium.

The feedback continues as she helplessly hands her microphone to Ryan, who waves out a backstage assistant. The girl hastily pins it back on Bella's nametag.

Damon and Bella shake hands.

"Welcome to the show," Ryan greets the two contestants. "Damon, why don't you tell us what you do for a living?"

"You mean besides being a vampire?" Damon looked confused.

"What did you do when you were alive?" Ryan flipped a cue card.

"I was in the Army."

The audience applauds loudly.

"Quite a noble profession," Ryan adds as he turns to Bella. "I'm told you are a stay at home mom."

"I am," Bella smiles proudly. "That's my baby over there." She points to Nessie.

"Your baby looks like she's thirty," Damon mumbles under his breath.

"She's only nine," Bella informs him.

"Well that's delightful," Ryan intervenes. "We'll get to talk more with her later, but now are you two ready?"

"Hell Yeah!" Damon shouts.

"Yes," Bella nods.

They shake hands again.

"LET"S PLAY THE FEUD!" Ryan takes out a new cue card.

"One hundred people surveyed, top six answers on the board."

Damon and Bella twitch in anticipation.

"The question: Name a best-selling vampire novel."

Damon's hand slams down on the buzzer.

"Bram Stoker's Dracula!" he shouts confidently.

"Alright!," Ryan turns to board hanging overhead. "Show me... Dracula!"

There is ding as the number five slot flips over.

"Five?" Damon disappointed.

"There we are!" Ryan smiles. "Let's go meet the Salvatore's"

He and Damon walk back to the Salvatore family podium.

"Alright who do we have here?" Ryan stands at the second spot.

"This is my brother, Stefan," Damon says still brooding over his answer.

"How are you doing today?" Ryan asks.

"Fine," Stefan answers slowly as he stares at the camera.

"So you and Damon are both vampires," Ryan reads from the cards in front of him. "Tell us what it's like spending eternity with Damon."

"It's very…," Stefan paused. "Challenging."

Ryan laughs uncomfortably. "So, can you tell us a best-selling vampire novel."

"Salem's Lot," Stefan replied.

"Good Answer!" Katherine praises him.

Damon gives her a nasty look.

"Show me Salem's Lot!"

Ding! The number six spot flips over.

"Who is this?" Ryan takes Elena hand and kisses it.

"My sister-in-law, Elena," Damon answered leaning behind Stefan to whisper an insult to Katherine.

"Elena, what a lovely name," Ryan caresses her hand. "So tell us something about yourself."

"I'm human." Elena pulls her hand away. "And I'm a doppelganger."

"A Doppelganger," Ryan repeats excitedly. "We haven't had one of those on the show yet." He looks to the producers for confirmation.

The camera pans to a fat man nodding yes.

"Welcome, Elena. Can you tell me a best selling vampire novel?"

"The Southern Vampire Mysteries," Elena answers.

"Good Answer!"

"Show me 'Southern Vampire Mysteries'"

Ding! The number two space flips over.

Elena jumps up and down excitedly!

"And now Jeremy," Ryan checks his card. "It says here you just got your driver's license."

"Yes, I did Ryan," Jeremy brushes the hair from his face. "And I'm hoping Damon will let me drive his Camaro."

"That's not going to happen," Damon replies.

"Best selling vampire novel," Ryan leans on elbow against the podium.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer!" Jeremy claps his hands together.

"Ugh!" Damon groans. "That's a TV show."

"And a bad movie," Stefan adds.

"And a kick-ass comic book series," Jeremy says defensively.

"Show me 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'"

BUZZ

A large red strike appears.

BLEEP

The censors block out Jeremy's reply.

Ryan moves down to the final member of the Salvatore family. "Katherine," he takes her hand and kisses it. "Elena's great-great-great-great-great," he pauses to count the number of greats written on the card. "Grandmother."

"Thank you, Ryan," Katherine leans over the podium and whispers into his ear. He blushes and swallows hard.

"…best selling vampire novel," he manages to say.

"Interview with the Vampire."

"Good answer, Katherine," Damon reluctantly agrees.

"Show me 'Interview with the Vampire'"

Ding! The number four spot flips over.

"Back to Damon," Ryan moves back up to the top of the podium. "Still have the number one answer up there. Best selling vampire novel."

Damon takes a breath and thinks for a moment.

"The Vampire Diaries."

"Great Answer!" His family yells.

Stefan slaps Damon on the back.

"Show me 'Vampire Diaries'"

BUZZ

Another red strike appears.

"What the BLEEEEP…"

The volume goes silent as Damon's response is edited.

"Who the Bleep did they survey?"

The entire family is stunned.

"Stefan, you have two strikes and five seconds," Ryan reminds him. "Best selling vampire novel."

Stefan knuckles whiten as he clenches his fists.

"Three."

"Two…"

"Polidori's Vampyre," Stefan blurted just before time was up.

"What's that?" Elena looked at him. "I've never heard of it."

"First vampire story ever written," Katherine answered. "In 1819."

"Highly doubtful it's a _bestseller,_" Damon sneered.

"I tried," Stefan shrugged.

"Show me 'Polidori's Vampyre'!"

BUZZ

A third strike appears.

"Let's see if the Cullens can get the steal!"

Ryan walks across the stage to the Cullen's podium.

"Alright Cullen Family," he says to Bella. "Number one and number three answers are still up there; Best selling vampire novel."

"The Lost Boys!" shouts Jake. "The Lost Boys"

"That was a movie," Edward hisses.

"I bet it was a book too!"

"Ummm," Bella looks back at her family for help.

Charlie just shrugs his shoulders.

Jake yells "The Lost Boys" again.

"Twilight," Nessie suggests.

"Twilight," Edward agrees.

"Five seconds, Bella," Ryan reminds her.

"I'm going to say Twilight," she nods.

"What!" Jacob exclaims. "Why do you _always_ agree with HIM?"

"Show me 'Twilight'"

DING!

"Twilight is the number one answer!" Ryan smiles.

The Bella and Edward hug each other. Jake and Nessie exchange high fives. Charlie spuns his gun on his finger.

"Show me number three," Ryan asks the invisible game show genie.

DING!

The number three panel flips over.

"Vampire Academy!" The audience reads.

"Stay tuned!" Ryan's teeth gleam at the camera. "There's more Feud to come!"


	2. Chapter 2

A/N I'd like to thank all my friends, family & co-workers who helped me with my vampire "surveys". And no, you do not get paid for participating. Gemma

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…What the mikes recorded during the commercial break…

Bella: Dad, can you please put away your gun? We're on television.

Jake: We are kicking some serious Salvatore ass!

Edward: We haven't won yet, Jacob.

Jake: Why are you always so…so… Edward?

.

.

.

Damon: I told you we should have tried out for the Amazing Race.

Stefan: Yeah, cause that would have a been a blast!

Elena: Has anyone seen Katherine?... Or Ryan Seacrest?

Stefan: Please tell me she's not….

Damon: Of course she is, this is Katherine we're talking about.

.

.

.

.

.

**Announcer: **Okay everyone, we're back on in ten…

As the announcer counts down, Ryan Seacrest runs out from backstage. Katherine saunters out slowly behind him wiping something from the corners of her mouth.

"Hello everyone and welcome back to "Vampire Family Feud", I'm your host Ryan Seacrest!," the grinning celebrity said as he winked at the camera. "The Cullen family is in the lead but that can change as Edward and Stefan face off against each other."

"Come on over," Ryan waves to each of them. Both vampires begin making their way to the podium.

Stefan looks to back to his family. Elena and Katherine both blow him kisses.

Bella and Nessie join hands over Edward's vacant place at the Cullen podium. Jake crosses his fingers, "never thought I'd be cheering for that leech," he says under his breath.

Edward and Stefan shake hands.

"Welcome," Ryan greets the two contestants. "Are we ready, gentlemen?"

"Yes," the vampires say in unison.

"LET"S PLAY THE FEUD!" Ryan takes out a new cue card.

"One hundred people surveyed, top eight answers on the board," Ryan looks up and over his shoulder at the large yellow display.

"Name a way to kill a vampire."

Edward and Stefan hit the buzzers so hard the entire stand collapses.

"Sorry," they both apologize.

"That's alright," Ryan smiles. "It happens a lot."

Two stage hands wheel a dolly out to center stage with a replacement.

"Let's see a replay," Ryan steps over the mess and toward the audience.

A screen lowers and replays the scene.

"Judges?" Ryan asks.

Seated in the front row are Simon Cowell and Paula Adbul. They lean in toward one another and speak briefly.

"The sparkly one," Simon says.

"Edward," Ryan turns toward him.

"I just want to say," Paula interrupts. "That Stefan did a great job. I could tell he gave one hundred percent."

"Thank you, Paula." Stefan blushes.

"So Edward," Ryan continued. "A way to kill a vampire."

"Well, Ryan," Edward smiles modestly. "There is only one way to kill a vampire and that is with fire."

"Fire," Ryan repeats. "Survey says!"

Ding!

In the number four spot the words "BURN THEM" appear.

"Good answer," Stefan says to Edward.

"Thank you," Edward replies.

They shake hands again as each return to their family's podium.

Ryan follows Edward and stands in front of the third slot.

"Who do we have here?" he asks Nessie.

"OhmyGodyou'reRyanSeacrest," she blabs with the enthusiasm of a Jonas Brothers groupie.

"And you are …," the host grins at her.

There is a low growl as Jake bears his teeth at Ryan.

"My daughter, Nessie," Bella answers for her.

"Nessie, can you tell me a way to kill a vampire?" Ryan asks.

"Like my dad said, there's only one way to kill a vampire."

"Remember, we surveyed 100 people, not vampires. What do you think a person might say?"

"Hmmm, I am half-human."

Nessie presses her lips together in deep concentration.

"Drown them," she tells Ryan.

"We don't breathe, honey," Bella reminds her daughter.

"But a person might not know that," Nessie replies.

"Show me 'Drown them'" Ryan says loudly.

BUZZ

A red strike appears.

"Good try, Ness," Jake rubs her shoulder affectionately.

"And you are…," Ryan looks dead ahead and sees only Jake's stomach. His eyes travel upward until his head is tilted almost completely back, "…very tall," he finishes.

"Almost seven feet." Jake has to bend in half to lower himself to Ryan's level.

"You play ball?" Ryan asks.

"Is that a dog joke?" Jake snaps snarling loudly.

"No," Ryan shakes his head side to side. "I meant basketball, you know, because you're tall…"

"Oh," Jake smiles and laughs. "I play on the Rez sometimes."

"That's nice," Ryan loosens his tie slightly. "So can you tell me a way to kill a vampire?"

"Rip his sparkly head off his sparkly body," Jake replies throwing a glance in Edward's direction.

"Be nice, Jacob," Bella warns.

"Okay," Ryan turns toward the board. "You heard him. Survey says!"

Ding!

In the number three spot "BEHEAD" appears.

"And our human member of the Cullen family," Ryan moves to the last spot at the podium. "Sheriff Charles Swan."

"Hi," Charlie says gruffly.

"You are Bella's father."

"Yep."

"How did you feel about your daughter marrying a vampire?"

"Well," Charlie's mouth twitched. "I was just happy that she wasn't pregnant."

The audience roars with laughter.

Bella and Edward both hide their faces in their hands.

"Can you tell me a way to kill a vampire?"

"Sure can," Charlie takes out his gun. "Shoot them with a silver bullet."

"Isn't that werewolves?" Nessie asked.

"Let's hope not," Jake swallows hard as the gun swings in his direction.

"Show me 'Shoot them with a silver bullet'"

Ding!

The number eight spot flips over.

"Okay, back to Bella," Ryan takes a spot beside her. "Tell me a way to kill a vampire."

"Ummm," Bella looks at Edward uncertainly.

Edward shrugs.

"Crush them between a van and Chevy pick-up truck?"

"YEAAH TEAM TYLER!" someone from the audience shouts.

Ryan holds back a laugh.

"Survey says!"

BUZZ

Two red strikes appear.

"Alright, Edward back to you. The Salvatore Family is getting ready to steal." Ryan looks over at their way. "The number one answer is still up there. Tell me a way to kill a vampire."

Edward frowns. His eyebrows twitch.

"Five seconds," Ryan urges.

He blinks several times in succession.

"Three."

"Two."

"Morphine!" Edward blurts out followed by a soft "stupid."

"You heard him," Ryan addresses the screen. "Show me "morphine".

BUZZ

Three red strikes flash.

"That's ok. That's ok." The Cullens console him.

"Alright Salvatore Family," Ryan walk across the stage to their podium. "Let's see if you can get the steal."

Ryan stands in front of Katherine. "Lots of answers still up there."

"Stake through the heart," Katherine replies.

"Stake 'em!" Jeremy yells.

"I agree," Elena nods.

"Stake through the heart," Stefan grins and crosses his arms over his chest.

"Damon, it's up to you," Ryan stands at the top of the podium. "Your family seems to be unanimous. Are you going to agree with them or go out on your own?"

"For once, my brother and I agree on something other than women," Damon glares at Stefan. "Stake through the heart, Ryan."

"Survey says!"

DING!

The number one spot flips over.

"Stake through the heart," Ryan reads. "The number one answer. Salvatore's get the steal!"

They jump up and down cheering.

"Let's see number two."

"SUNLIGHT," the audience shouts.

"Five."

"Dead Man's Blood."

"Six."

"Holy Water."

"And seven."

"Crossbow."

"Don't move out of that seat," Ryan smirks. "We've got more Feud coming right up!"


	3. Chapter 3

The dancing GSN logo appears on the screen.

**Announcer**: You're watching the Game Show Network.

Cut to Ryan Seacrest's smiling façade. A large piece of gauze shows above his shirt collar, as does a strip of medical tape.

"I'm Ryan Seacrest and this is Vampire Family Feud," Ryan steps backward sweeping his arm out to the side. "Today we have the Salvatore Family and the Cullen Family."

"As a reminder to our audience no humans are supposed to be harmed during the game. Infractions can result in disqualification."

The camera pans to Katherine who rolls her eyes.

"Our game is tied one to one. Next up is Elena and Nessie. Come on over," Ryan waves to each of them as he takes his place center stage.

Both girls make their way to the podium.

"Welcome," Ryan greets the pair of brunettes. "It's an honor to be here with you two lovely ladies."

"It's an honor to be here with you, Ryan," Elena replies giving the host a tentative hug and a quick peck on the cheek. "Sorry," she laughs. "That's from my friends Caroline and Bonnie who are watching back home. They're big fans."

"Hi Bonnie and Caroline," Ryan waves to the camera.

Not to be outdone, Nessie gives Ryan a small hug as well.

There is a deafening roar as Jake hurdles over the podium making his way to center of the stage.

"Jake!" Bella cries.

"Jake!" Edward yells.

There is a blur as both vampires rush forward to restrain him.

A brief struggle ensues as they drag Jake back to his place.

The camera stays on Jake who is panting heavily.

"Deep breaths, Jake," Bella attempts to calm him. "Remember what Carlisle said. You should try to count to ten before phasing."

"Don't get us disqualified," Edward remarks.

Ryan swallows hard. Small beads of perspiration begin to appear on his forehead. His hand slides against the bandage on his neck.

"Good Luck," Elena tells Nessie as she reaches out to shake hands.

"Same to you," Nessie replies taking her competitor's hand.

"OW!" Elena winces. She pulls her hand away and cradles it in the other.

"I'm so sorry!" Nessie exclaims. "Sometimes I forget how strong I am."

"I'll live," Elena flexes her fingers a few times.

"Are you ready?" Ryan asks; composure once again intact.

The girls nod.

"LET"S PLAY THE FEUD!" Ryan takes out a new cue card.

"One hundred people surveyed, top five answers on the board," Ryan looks up and over his shoulder at the large yellow display.

"Name an A-list celebrity who has portrayed a vampire."

Nessie's rings in with lightening speed before Elena even has a chance to blink.

"Nessie," Ryan stares at the cue card to avoid eye contact with her.

"Robert Pattison!" Nessie yips excitedly.

"GOOD ANSWER!" Bella and Edward applaud their daughter.

"Survey says."

BUZZ

A red strike appears.

Nessie's face falls. She begins to cry.

"It's okay, honey," Bella calls out.

"I demand to know why Robert Pattison is not a correct answer," Edward fumed from his place at the Cullen podium.

"If you listened to the question, they're looking for an **A-list** celebrity," Damon's haughty tone echoed in the auditorium.

"Boooooooooooooooo," the audience hisses at the insult.

"Elena, this is your chance to steal."

"A-list," Elena repeated taking a moment to gather her thoughts. A wide grin appeared on her face as she answered, "Bryce Dallas Howard."

BUZZ

A red strike appeared.

"Wow, this means we go to the next in line," Ryan looked over to the Cullen podium. "Jake – A-list celebrity who has portrayed a vampire."

"Eddie Murphy!" Jake shouts.

"Dr. Doolittle?" Nessie wiped a tear away as she looked at him.

"He was in Vampire in Brooklyn."

"Since when do you watch vampire movies?" Bella asked.

"Show me "Eddie Murphy.'"

BUZZ

Another red strike appeared.

"Alright over to the Salvatore Family," Ryan turned to face them. "Jeremy?"

"I've seen Lost Boys a hundred times," the boy told the host. "Kiefer Sutherland."

"Survey says."

BUZZ

The red strike was back.

"What the… BLEEP?" Jeremy's reply was once again censored. "He's an A-list celebrity."

"When he's not in rehab with Charlie Sheen," Damon shot back.

"It's back to the Cullens. Charlie?"

"I'm gonna say Pee Wee Herman."

"Pee Wee Herman?" Ryan repeated.

"When was he a vampire?" Jake asked Charlie.

"That Buffy movie. He was the vampire."

"Show me 'Pee Wee Herman'"

BUZZ

RED STRIKE

"Your turn, Katherine," Ryan said with a sigh.

"Do none of you know what an A-list celebrity is?" Katherine screamed in frustration. "Brad Pitt for God's sake," she yelled at Ryan. "Brad Pitt!"

"Show me 'Brad Pitt.'"

The number one spot flipped over.

"Yes, Brad Pitt played Louis de Pointe du Lac in Interview with the Vampire," Ryan read from a card. "Looks like we're heading back to the Salvatore family."

Taking Elena by the hand he escorted her back to the podium where she took her place between Stefan and Jeremy.

"Damon, A-list celebrity who has portrayed a vampire," Ryan said tiredly.

"Tom Cruise. Lestat. Interview with the Vampire."

"Thank you," Ryan replied. "Show me 'Tom Cruise'"

Ding!

It was number two answer.

"Stefan, A-list celebrity."

"Antonio Banderas."

"Survey says!"

Ding!

Banderas was number three. Armand from Interview with the Vampire.

"And we're back to the lovely Elena."

"So it looks like Interview with the Vampire, is the key," she took a deep breath. "I'm gonna say Kierstin Dunst."

"MJ from Spiderman?" Jeremy asked Elena.

"Yep," Elena smiled. "She was the child vampire, Claudia."

"Cool," Jeremy grinned.

"Survey says!"

BUZZ

The first strike for the Salvatore Family.

"Alright, Jeremy. One strike. Two answers left on the board."

"I gotta go with David Boreanaz," Jeremy tells Ryan.

"The guy from Bones?" Elena asks her brother.

"Yeah, he was Angel from BTVS."

"BTVS?"

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer," Jeremy explains.

SMACK!

"Ow!" Jeremy exclaims as he turns to Katherine. "What was that for?"

"When are you going to get it that "Buffy" is not the answer to everything?"

"At least I'm thinking for myself and not reciting the cast of Interview with the Vampire," Jeremy snaps back.

"That's enough," Stefan warns them.

"If you ever talk to me like that again Frodo," Katherine threatened as she grabbed Jeremy by the collar, "I will rip that Magic Ring off your finger and…."

CENSORED

CENSORED

CENSORED

The camera pans to the audience who are staring ahead in suspenseful fear.

The camera moves to the Cullen podium, where Jake is protectively covering Nessie's eyes and Bella has buried her face against Edward's chest. Charlie is standing there unphased with his thumb in his cheek. He pushes his thumb forward and makes a popping sound. Jake laughs and cups a hand under his armpit, moving his other arm up and down he makes a fart noise.

"Edward!" Jake says accusingly.

"It wasn't me!" Edward exclaims as Bella and Nessie look at him disapprovingly.

The camera moves back to Salvatore podium. Damon and Stefan are restraining Katherine while Elena acts as a human shield in front of her brother.

"Show me 'David Boreanaz,"" Ryan says slowly as he wipes the sweat from his brow.

BUZZ

Two red strikes appear.

Katherine opens her mouth to speak, but Stefan cuts her off with a firm, "Don't."

"And now we're going to take a short break. Stay tuned. There's more Feud on the way!"


	4. Chapter 4

… During the break …..

Ryan's assistant brings out a folding chair and the host plops down with a deep exhale. A make-up artist rushes out to add another layer of makeup to cover up the sweat. A woman from wardrobe brings him another dress shirt. He changes quickly.

"Ryan, you alright?" asks the production manager.

"Honestly, I'm not feeling very well right now."

"He does look a little pale," his assistant comments.

"I'll be fine," Ryan tells them as an intern hands him a bottle of water.

**Announcer:** Alright people we're on in thirty…

Everyone rushes to get everything offstage.

**Announcer: **In five, four…

"Welcome back, everyone," Ryan grins as he leans against the Salvatore podium. "We're here with Katherine who is going to tell us an A-list celebrity who has portrayed a vampire."

"Salma Hayek," Katherine turns to the camera and smiles.

"Good answer!" Damon and Stefan both shout.

"Show me 'Salma Hayek'"

The number four spot is revealed.

"Tarantino's From Dusk 'til Dawn," Ryan makes his way slowly back to the Damon in the first spot.

"A-list celebrity," Ryan bends the cue cards in his hand.

"Aaliyah," Damon smiles broadly nudging Stefan who also smirks.

"If only she were a _real_ vampire," Stefan comments.

"May she rest in peace," Damon says solemnly.

"Amen, brother," Stefan agrees.

The vampires have a moment of silence for the talented musician and actress who died much too young in a tragic plane crash.

The moment passes and Ryan looks to the large board, "Survey says!"

BUZZ

Two red strikes flash.

"Stefan, two strikes and one answer left on the board," Ryan reminds him. "Can you tell me an A-list celebrity who has portrayed a vampire?"

"Wesley Snipes," Stefan answers.

"Isn't he in jail?" Charlie shouts from the Cullen podium.

"I'm not sure," Stefan answers looking a little embarrassed.

"I'm pretty sure he's in the big house," Charlie takes out his gun again. "Tax fraud."

"Thank you, Sheriff Swan," Ryan turns back to the board. "Wesley Snipes!"

BUZZ

Three red strikes appear.

The Salvatores groan in disappointment.

"Cullens have a chance to steal," Ryan announces as he walks across the stage to Charlie.

"A-list celebrity, Charlie."

"I'm gonna say…," he taps a finger against his head in thought.

When he doesn't answer Ryan moves to Jake.

"Kristen Stewart," the werewolf shouts.

Nessie yells, "Dakota Fanning!"

From the last spot at the podium Charlie says, "Johnny Depp!"

Everyone looks over at him.

"I think he was a pirate not a vampire," Jake tells the Sheriff.

"He was also The Mad Hatter and Willie Wonka," Nessie adds.

"No, the one where he sings," Charlie specifies.

"A singing vampire?" Jake groans. "Now I've heard everything."

"I think he means Sweeney Todd," Bella tells them.

"That's the one," Charlie snaps his fingers.

"Sweeney Todd was a serial killer, not a vampire," Edward informs everyone.

"You say that like there's a difference," Jake snorts.

"haha," Edward says dryly.

"Ok," Charlie frowns and starts thinking again.

"Bela Lugosi," Edward tells Bella.

"Bella, your family gave you a lot of great answers. You can either go with one of them or go out on your own," Ryan tells her. "There's only one answer left, if you get it wrong, the Salvatore family gets the steal."

"Okay," Bella runs her hands over face. "Definitely not Johnny Depp. So it's either Dakota Fanning, Kristen Stewart or Bela Lugosi."

Edward squeezes her hand in support.

"Five seconds, Bella."

"I'm going to go out on my own, Ryan."

"Okay."

"Traci Lords."

"The PORN STAR!" Charlie blurts out.

Across the stage the Salvatore Family laughs loudly.

"Show me…," Ryan pauses clearing his throat, "Traci Lords."

BUZZ

A large red strike appears.

Damon and Stefan chest bump each other as Elena and Jeremy hug each other.

"I'm sorry," Bella apologizes to her family.

"We'll get them next round," Jake replies.

"The number five answer was…" Ryan looks up at the board.

"Kate Beckinsale/Underworld," the audience reads aloud.

"Here we go," Ryan walks back over the center podium. "Jake and Jeremy, your turn to play the Feud."

The two tall teenagers jog up and take their places.

Ryan now looks like a resident of Munchinland as he stands in between them.

The boys shake hands and wish each other luck.

They both bend their knees and lean down, like tip-off at an NBA game.

"LET"S PLAY THE FEUD!" Ryan takes out a new cue card.

"One hundred people surveyed, top five answers on the board," Ryan looks up and over his shoulder at the large yellow display.

"Name a vampire inspired tee-shirt logo."

Both boys raise their hands to buzz in, Jeremy hesitates but the werewolf doesn't.

"Jake," Ryan points to Native American on his right.

"TEAM JACOB!" he screams at the top of his lungs.

An entire section of the audience jumps to their feet and screams with him.

"Show me "Team Jacob," Ryan gestures to the board.

The number one spot flips over.

"YES!" Jake screams. "YES! YES! YES! I finally beat you Cullen!" He fist pumps at the audience.

"JACOB! JACOB! JACOB!" they chant.

He tears off his shirt and runs to the edge of the stage, arms raised over his head.

"JAAAAACCOOOOOB!"

Edward, Bella, Nessie, Damon, Stefan and Katherine all cover their sensitive vampire ears.

"I LOVE YOU!" the werewolf proclaims as he dives off the stage into the audience. The fans lift him up and he crowd surfs through the theater. Girls paw him and tear at his clothes. In seconds he's covered in lipstick and hickeys.

A growl resonates, growing stronger with each second.

"THAT IS MY SOUL MATE!"

Nessie's brow furrows in jealousy and she charges forward, only to be stopped by Katherine.

"Let me go, or else," she tells the oldest member of the Salvatore family.

"Or else what?" Katherine laughs.

Nessie grabs Katherine's hand and shows her a mental image of herself burning in a fire.

"Oh please," Katherine slams the girl to the floor. "You're as scary as a My Little Pony."

"Let her go," Edward rushes forward with Bella millimeters behind him.

"Do as he says," Stefan orders. "Or else we'll be disqualified."

"She's only half-human." Katherine squeezes Nessie harder causing her to whimper. "Are they going to half-disqualify us?"

There's a loud snapping sound as the giant wolf leaps onto the stage. Looming over Katherine he snarls and bears his teeth.

Like the predators they are; Jake, Bella and Edward form a circle around Katherine.

"Let her go, now…," Edward tenses up preparing to attack.

"I say kill her," Damon remarks. "It would save us the trouble."

The camera pans to Ryan Seacrest who is admirably forcing a smile. "Looks like it's time for a word from our sponsors."

The GSN logo appears once more.

A commercial for _Eclipse _(the chewing gum, not the movie) begins to roll.

* * *

Much Love to Team Jacob! Gemma.


	5. Chapter 5

The audience groans as yet _another_ Volvo commercial plays.

The camera men have moved onto the stage and are focused primarily on the Cullen podium.

Four janitors busily mop up a large red puddle on the opposite side of the stage.

At the Salvatore family podium, Katherine's spot is now vacant.

Ryan stands next to Charlie, leaning heavily against the podium. One assistant fans him while the other squirts water into his mouth.

Next to him the production manager and the executive producers, Simon and Paula are talking.

"Perhaps a live audience wasn't the best idea," Simon says agitatedly. Behind him security escorts out nearly half the audience.

After he phased, the remnants of what were once Jacob's shorts had caused a riot. His fans had nearly killed each other trying to get a swatch of the material.

**Announcer: **Places everyone we're back in twenty.

Everyone exits the stage.

Jake appears from backstage barefoot wearing a pair of sweatpants at Capri length.

**Announcer: **In five…four…

"We're back," Ryan says flatly. "Let's just get this over with." His smile fades.

"Charlie, name a vampire-inspired tee shirt logo," the host says.

"I only wear white Hanes tee-shirts. Crew neck," the Sheriff replies.

"We don't care," Ryan groans. "Can you name a logo or not?" The host scratches at the bandage on his neck.

"I guess not," Charlie looks down at the floor.

"Strike one," Ryan announces.

BUZZ

A large red strike appears.

"Bella. Logo," Ryan's face wrinkles in pain as he presses his hand to his neck.

"My boyfriend sparkles," she flutters her eyes at Edward.

"What she said," Ryan yells.

Ding!

The number five spot flips over.

"Edward. Logo."

"Team Edward, Ryan," the vampire grins looking over at Jake.

"Survey says!"

Ding!

The number two spot flips over.

"Still beat you," Jake sneers.

"You won a tiny insignificant battle," Edward laughed. "But I've already won the war, Dog."

"I hate you."

"It's mutual."

"Are you done with your little lover's spat?" Ryan asks rhetorically. "Nessie. Logo."

"Ummm," Nessie folds and unfold her hands as she takes a minute to think.

"I saw a shirt that said 'Got Blood?'"

"Glorious!" Ryan shook his head haphazardly. "Show me 'Got Blood?'"

Ding!

'Got Blood?' is the number three answer.

"Back to the Jolly Green Giant," Ryan bends his cue cards. "Logo."

"My boyfriend can kick your sparkly boyfriend's ass."

"That's subtle," Edward scoffed.

"Survey says!"

BUZZ

Two red strikes appear.

"Have you thought of anything yet?" Ryan asks Charlie. "Or should we just go over to the Salvatores for the steal.

"Don't vamp my style," Charlie answers.

"That's stupid," Ryan shakes his head. "Show me 'Don't vamp my style'."

BUZZ

Three red strikes appear.

"Let's see what the Salvatores can come up with," Ryan walks over to Jeremy's spot at the podium, stepping over the large wet spot.

"Eat, Prey, Love," the boy shouts.

"Love Sucks," Elena suggests.

"Love Bites," Stefan nudges Elena playfully.

"Ryan, I'm going out on my own," Damon tells the host.

"Terrific," Ryan flexes his neck to the left, then to the right.

"Eternal Stud."

"I can't believe you actually said that," Elena shakes her head.

"You have no idea how hard it is being this sexy," Damon grins.

"Show me 'Eternal Stud'."

BUZZ

A red strike appears.

The Cullen family screams in excitement.

"Thank God this is almost over," Ryan takes a deep breath. "Cullens get the steal."

The Cullens celebrate with high-fives down the line.

"Show me number four!"

"VAMPIRES SUCK!" The audience yells.

"The game is tied. This is the deciding round," Ryan reads from a cue card as he forces a smile. "Charlie and Katherine come on up."

Charlie makes his way from the Cullen podium to center stage. From stage left, Katherine enters. She's changed into a GSN tee shirt and a pair of skinny jeans. There are faded bite marks on her arms.

"Oh, you're back," Ryan says with a sigh.

"Did you miss me?" Katherine asks batting her eyes.

"One hundred people surveyed. Top three answers on the board," Ryan announces.

"Did you miss me?" Katherine interrupts.

"I told you I have a girlfriend," Ryan says forcing a smile. "Real or fictional; Name a famous..."

Before he finishes the question, Katherine buzzes in.

Annoyed, Ryan turns to her, "What?"

"You didn't answer my question, Ryan."

"Fine." Ryan tosses the cue at her. "No. I didn't miss you."

"Why not?" Katherine demands.

"Because I don't like you."

"But you like Elena..."

"Yes. I do."

"Why does **everyone** like Elena!" The vampire's pearly white fangs gleam under the stage lighting as she grabs Ryan's shirtcollar and pulls him up against her.

"Katherine - NO!" Stefan screams as he rushes to Ryan's rescue.

"Stefan!" Elena screams as she rushes after him.

"Elena!" Jeremy screams as he reaches for his sister's arm.

"Idiots," Damon mumbles as he remains in place.

Faster than a vampire can climb a tree, seasoned Forks Police Chief Charles Swan ripped his gun from it's holster and aimed to fire.

BANG!

Katherine saw the motion and moved out of the way just as the bullet headed straight for her heart.

(Picture the scene from Matrix)

THUD!

The body dropped to the floor.

The auditorium went silent except for Nessie's small voice.

"Pop-Pop Charlie shot Ryan Seacrest."

* * *

ohhhh nooooo - CLIFFIE!


	6. Epilogue

Epilogue

In the control booth, everyone associated with the show gathered around a large table.

"Technically he is dead," the production manager said to the group surrounding him which included Bella Swan and Damon Salvatore. "However, there is no protocol for this particular situation."

In the green room back stage the Cullen and Salvatore families sat quietly.

"You just HAD to do it didn't you?" Stefan snarled at Katherine.

"I TOLD you, it wasn't me," she hissed back.

"Shut up," Elena ordered. "Both of you."

"Ooooohhhh, we are the Champions…," Jake began to sing quietly from across the room. The members of the Salvatore family shot nasty looks his way.

"Don't antagonize them," Edward told the werewolf.

Jake stopped singing but continued to hum softly.

Just then Bella and Damon entered the room.

Their family members looked at them with anticipation.

"So," Damon began looking at Bella.

"So," Bella echoed looking at Damon.

"They're calling it a tie," Damon addressed the group.

"A TIE!" everyone shouted.

"How can that be?" Elena asked as she pointed to Charlie. "He SHOT Ryan Seacrest!"

"They should be disqualified," Jeremy added.

"But SHE," Nessie stood up pointing to Katherine, "FED on him!"

"Believe what you want," Katherine rolled her eyes for the hundredth time. "I am innocent."

"Please," Edward snorted. "We all saw you with him backstage."

"And did you like what you saw?" Katherine's voice was low and sultry.

"You're unbelievable," Edward shook his head in disgust.

There was a light on the door, followed by a creak as it opened. Ryan Seacrest ambled in closing the door behind him.

"Ryan!" Katherine spoke before anyone else could.

Ryan Seacrest swayed uncomfortably from side to side sucking on the plastic straw which extended from the white Styrofoam cup. His gaze swept the room before it finally settled on Elena.

Stefan and Damon both leaned inward protectively.

"How are you feeling?" Bella asked compassionately.

"I've been turned into a freaking vampire! I'm drinking Simon Cowell's blood from a cup! How do you think I'm feeling?" Ryan continued to slurp on the straw.

There was a loud silence in the room.

"So who did it?" Jeremy asked Ryan. "Who turned you?"

Several people looked directly at Katherine.

"I think I can answer that."

With lightening speed she ripped off Ryan's shirt exposing his less than toned torso.

"Hey!" Ryan exclaimed as he tried to cover himself.

"See," Katherine announced triumphantly. "He sparkles."

Edward and Bella looked at each other in shock.

"I didn't," Edward said.

"I didn't either," Bella said.

Slowly they both turned to Nessie who sat very still with her head hung between her shoulders.

"You didn't," Jake said in horror. "Please tell me you didn't."

"I'm sorry," Nessie began to cry. "I couldn't help myself. He…He…He's like my own personal brand of heroin…"


	7. Behind the Scenes

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Survey Results

* * *

I surveyed friends, family and co-workers. This involved over fifty people (ages ranged from 15 to 87), more than half were male.

The original survey had ten questions. I was only able to use four of the ten because most of the people who answered either 1) did not take it seriously or 2) had no clue.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Question 1: Name a best-selling vampire novel.

The number one answer was Twilight by an overwhelming majority.

Honorable Mention goes to The Vampire's Assistant which didn't make the top 6.

Most Amusing Answer: War and Peace

I was personally horrified that no one even mentioned Vampire Diaries.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Question 2: Name a way to kill a vampire

Stake through the heart won by a landslide.

Most Amusing Answer came from a co-worker who wrote: Let them work here for a day.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Question 3: Name an A-list Celebrity who has portrayed a vampire.

Actually Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt tied for first place. I gave Brad the number one spot because I just like him better.

Honorable Mention goes to Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattison from Twilight, though no one seemed to know their real names. They were commonly referred to as "the British guy" and "the girl with the lazy eye." (Does KS have a lazy eye?) One person wrote James Patterson (the author) – have to give them an A for effort.

Most Amusing Answers were Traci Lords (the porn star) who really did play a vampire in Blade and Johnny Depp (who to my knowledge has never played a vampire – at least not yet)

-o-o-o-o-o-

Question 4: Name a Vampire-inspired tee shirt logo

Team Jacob was the clear winner here.

Most Amusing Answer was Harry Potter. I'm not how or why people think JK Rowling's franchise is vampire-related but that's how they answered.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Question 5: Real or Fictional; Name a Famous Vampire Hunter

I had to throw this question out because the number one answer was Sarah Palin; followed by Charlton Heston. Apparently the word "hunter" confused some people.

-o-o-o-o-o-

One of the questions on the survey was: If you ever met a vampire; Name a question you might ask them. The answers were all over the place on this one. Here are the ones I found most amusing.

10. Boxers or Briefs?

9. Does diabetic blood taste sweeter than regular blood? (This was the only question even remotely vampire-related)

8. Did you take my pen?

7. Have you seen my phone?

6. Did you vote for Obama?

5. Did you bite my donut? (This came from a co-worker who left his donut unattended and came back to find a large bite mark in it)

4. Pirates or Ninjas? (the age old PVN debate)

3. You wanna buy some DVD's? (from our local "entrepreneur" cough, cough)

2. Can I borrow 10 bucks for lunch?

And the number one funny answer (IMO)

(Drum roll please)

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"**Why so serious?"**

I thought that was CLASSIC!

-o-o-o-o-o-

-Gemma


End file.
